Ross and David's Challenge Review Cup

Therapy

2010-05-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

Cohiba!

2010-05-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sure cigars are great and all. I mean, we use them to celebrate babies being born and other special occassions. But whenever I try to smoke one, it is really, really nasty. Grosser than cigarettes, grosser than dip, grosser than pipes.

All the smaller cigars that have all the sweet, chocolatey stuff going on are gross too.

Once Ben insisted we buy cigars and smoke them in Prague. The pictures of us were genius, but the actual taste was hella nasty. I think it took four absinthes to rid my mouth of the taste...

I guess they look cool, but no thank you.///

Cigars

2010-03-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

Corporate Radio and The Big Box

2010-03-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

I always got told the monopolies were illegal. Can't have them. Not fair. Not fair to the little guy. You can't own everything in a certain genre, because then you can charge whatever you want, either way too high, or way too low, to drive away competition. And we need competition. So I was told monopolies weren't OK. Then I played Monopoly and I realized that owning hotels in nice areas was a great way to fuck over your friends. As a result, I'm still working on buying a hotel in a nice area.

Here's another thing. For some things, the big box store is OK. They do it better. Like Home Depot. They have everything I need in one place. And mostly for cheaper. But mostly, I prefer the little guy. Like for restaurants. The big chains mostly are crap. But some of them are pretty good. Like Chik-Fil-A. Wait, now I'm thinking too hard. My head hurts. I'm going back to drinking my micro brew while I watch CBS. Go Baylor!

Monopolies

2010-03-20T16:31:00.001-07:00

Wine Gums

2010-03-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that the Brits and we United Staters don't see eye on candy (sweets), chips (crisps), or bubble gum (blowing chewers).

That's why only the US could invent a gum called Hubba Bubba, and only the Brits could eat a candy called Wine Gums, which are more like Jujyfriut, if my memory serves me.

Hubba Bubba says cowboys, the old west, bravado, wide open spaces, yadda.

Wine gums is something a grandma would eat (if she still has any teeth).

Speaking of which, I saw an incredible exhibit on dentures from the first World War.

I think part of me wants to be British. Can you pass that bag of Malteasers!?

Hubba Bubba

2009-12-10T11:36:00.001-08:00

Too much overhead

2009-12-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

I love the Whispers and I also love the Four Tops. I also love the Temptations. Once I saw "The Temps and Tops" at Humphry's by the Bay. It's an outdoor concert venue in San Diego, right by Shelter Island. I've seen some great shows there actually. I saw Fats Domino and Jerry Lee Lewis, Jimmy Cliff.

But my point is this. 5 or 4 man vocal groups (that don't play the instruments) is too much overhead nowadays. You can't afford to bring a band around that has that many singers. Even Ladysmith Black Mambazo lost a few members. Just for budgetary reasons. I know. Tragic. Paul Simon tried to subsidize them, but Edie Brickell's shampoo bill was just too fucking high. No dice LBM!

So do this. Either learn an instrument, so you can be a mean power quintet (like the Bus Boys), or else you have to lose a singer or two. I would recommend losing one of the mids, and then the low deep bass guy. He's kind of a gimmick anyway, and besides, he'll catch on elsewhere. I hear 7-Up is looking for a new pitchman.

The Whispers

2009-12-09T10:39:00.001-08:00

Smallish Ball

2009-12-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

You might say the Yankees won the World Series with power hitting and pitching, and some great defense by Mark Texiera (all paid for through exorbitant spending during the off-season). But they also needed some help from ol' Johnny Damon, swiping third base on a play that many say turned the series. And that play in Game 4 at Philadelphia surely qualifies as "small ball", right?

I say it does, and this is my and my brother's blog, so I'm at least 50% in charge.

That's not to say that the long ball didn't bail the Yankees out of a bunch of jams. Solo HR's most of the time. But I have to give the broadcasters credit for examining the little intangibles that we devotees of the game love so much: base-running, defensive positioning, having quality at-bats (see Johnny Damon), productive outs, yadda yadda.

I don't even want to get into the designated hitter thing with you, Richard.

The season is over.

Bring on Granderson!

Small Ball

2009-10-20T20:07:00.001-07:00

You think you got it tough?

2009-10-20T19:58:00.001-07:00

It's tough down there in Tanzania. It's hot, there's drought, politics haven't been good for the regular person, and it's one of the poorest countries out there. But you don't hear them complaining, do you?! So why are you worried that you only got 2 chocolate chip muffins, when your sister got 3? A kid from Tanzania would love to get 1!

Things have improved though. A lot of people have good drinking water. A few people have good sanitation. And the TV industry is hopping. But nothing comes easy. You gotta work for it. That's why the people of Tanzania are great. Because they work hard, believe in God, and strive to improve. What have you done lately? You cleaned up your room but there's still lint and shit in the corners and behind the door. Work on that.

I may never see Tanzania in person. But I do know this. It's beautiful. Because it's real, and it's strives for all that is good. Just like you. Now give me a hug and get some sleep. Tomorrow's gonna be a big day.

Tanzania

2009-10-19T10:59:00.001-07:00

Pas de Problème

2009-09-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, we know. Everything's messed up right now. More than usual. And it needs fixing! So while Obama and his team battle with the racist rednecks in Congress over the bigger issues of the day, maybe you and me can solve some of the smaller stuff right here on this blog.

#1: Read something: A book is your friend, so why not make some new friends over the next 3 months. And maybe cut down on all the media hype. Read an old-ish book. 1980 or earlier...

#2: Run. I don't care if it's on grass, dirt, sand or wherever. Go run around!!!

#3: Sleep. Get some rest, you freaks. And if you're having trouble sleeping, go back to #2.

Modern Problems

2009-08-20T22:39:00.001-07:00

Library of congress entry 21212123322344345544334543A

2009-08-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

As far as we know, the pilch pole was seen first, last and only in San Francisco. And that makes sense. Because where else could a pole, with a unique name and a unique story, make such a splash.

That might be all we ever know about the pilch pole, but not if I can help it.

It can only be described as about as interesting and enjoyable as a metal chair scraping across cement.

Most people don't know what it is. But even those who do know what it is, really don't know what it is. It's like trying to describe an impossible buckle or papier mâché. Not easy.

However, we honor it, we thank it, and we send it messages. Via carrier pigeon and bike messenger. In one of those tubes.

Pilch Pole

2009-07-28T11:50:00.001-07:00

Rude Boy

2009-07-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Believe what you will about the racially-tinged comments made by Elvis Costello about Ray Charles. The guy is not a racist. In fact, he is credited as the producer of the debut album of one of the seminal groups of the 1970's ska revival in England, The Specials.

The Specials and others like them signed to 2 Tone Records, "two-tone" referring to the persistent monochromatic imagery of their logo and design. Black and white photographs harkened back to 50's and 60's Jamaica, where ska began, but also spoke to a much-welcomed racial tolerance amongst its practitioners.

Ska music put through a punk filter was bound to be a big seller on both sides of the Atlantic, given its infectious, silly, wild, brassy, danceable upbeat. That's what I wanna hear when I'm in the middle of a Tory nightmare.

And thank goodness it was only a fad, because music can't always be about nostalgia.

But for its time, the mod revival was a lot of fun.

Dance Craze/2 Tone

2009-06-22T23:00:00.001-07:00

It's the word.

2009-06-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

Most mornings I get up. Right around dawn. If not earlier. Immediately, I start kicking butt. I mean real heine. Cooking breakfast, singing, moving around like a madman in and out of rooms. It goes on like that for hours. I mean I am pritner doing the impossible. And this all before even 6am sometimes. That's what I mean. That's what I'm talking about. Understand? Is that clear?

I'm Avian. And I shouldn't be treated any different because I have feathers instead of dermis. I have exodermis. And it has always been enough. That is, up until now.

Here are the facts. Let's start there. Simple straightforward.

A: the flying issue.

B: the egg thing

C: worms

Soaring, ah yes I do it every day. When was the last time you soared? How long ago. Exactly, never. That's what I've been saying.

I am anti-cage, anti free-range, and anti-farm. That's like the 3 tenets of our philosophy. Our national flag is a three-pointed egg.

The pageantry of the hawk may be unrivaled. I'm a harsh critic on glides, but I don't think anyone glides like the hawk. In the heat, strong, aware of everything and everyone. And the beak work is sensational. I'll take my hat off to the beak work.

I've been asked to be brief, so I'll end it simply. AVIAN IN 2010. SAVE THE SKY 2009.

Birds

2009-06-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

Back in Hat

2009-06-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

As Bon Scott's replacement as the lead vocalist of the Australian heavy metal outfit AC/DC , Brian Johnson is a serviceable screecher. But the story doesn't end there.

After Scott's untimely death in 1980, Johnson found himself in the studio with a group determined to stay on the path to superstardom. His first album with the band would be their all-time best seller, Back In Black, a tribute to Scott. Johnson could do almost everything Bon Scott could do, except he was shorter...and he didn't have the hair, so he got a hat. An Englishman's cap. A new hat.

When I first went to work as a busboy at Fidel's Solana Beach, I found myself in a very warm kitchen swarming with plates, chips, sauces and guacamole, and a bar area rivaled by El Torito alone as a place to get royally fucked up on margs.

I was repeatedly told by my co-workers that "I looked like Brian Johnson." I guess I did, but what an odd observation, right? I had long curly hair, but no hat.

I worked at Fidel's for two or three summers, and I still visit the place every time I'm in San Diego.

Also, doesn't Brian Johnson remind you a little bit of Gene Hackman or James Caan?

New Hat Guy AKA Brian Johnson

2009-06-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

Dirt and the water

2009-06-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough challenge. Perhaps the toughest yet. Reason? I don't deal with mud. Ever. Occasionally I get some on my shoe. But I don't like mud baths, I don't play football after it rains, and I don't go to festival style concerts. I just don't get around mud very often.

Also, it does look a lot like shit.

One reason I avoid mud, is that being a homeowner, mud means sliding foundation. It means extra dollars to the geologist. It means silica. It means you're fucked. So I like to avoid it if possible.

I do like the Mud Pie dessert. It's coffee ice cream in a chocolate graham cracker crust. It's good. Try it sometime. Maybe the next time you're at Swensons, or Cheesecake Factory, or someplace where you go when you've run out of creative ideas. Pricks.

I like the dirt, I like the water. But keep em separate. Or I will come at you with a rolled up towel and a rotary phone. And I will bruise your nubs.

Mud pit

2009-05-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

Everclear

2009-05-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

Right about this time on a Friday, people are wishing they were gone, far from work, drunk perhaps. If you're a man, you might be planning on drinking 3 beers quickly, then more beers after that. If you're a woman, you might fancy several glasses of white wine on an empty stomach. Both of these are bad ideas, but nothing compared to hard drinking. [editor's note: we apologize for the gender bias of this last statement. Many women do prefer beer, and some men, wine.]

Ethanol was invented when people took the fruit, grain, twigs or other sugary substances out of whatever alcohol they were brewing. Think of it like distilled water, except it's alcohol.

Alcohol is rated on a scale of zero to 200, so if something is 80 proof, that's 40 percent ethanol. With grain alcohol, you're talking 195 proof.

That shit is flammable, dog!

So unless you want to spike some punch or make a Molotov cocktail, stay away from this shit.

It doesn't taste good because it doesn't taste like anything! It's just there to make things get you drunker.

Here's a list of things booze should not be (but occasionally is) added to:

Pudding Pops
Fruity Rolls
Cheddar cheese
Jack cheese
Hostess Goodness cakes
Cristal Lite On-the-go (borderline)
Red Vines
Shampoo
Shower shoes
tarantula book
Shower cap
hampster book

baby clothes
kids aged 5-12
liquid brass
spray-on brass
copper pot
lead pipe
postal meter
outdoor speaker
indoor-outdoor speaker
solar bulb
standard tungsten bulb
lo-watt radio
rechargeable battery
rechargeable battery recharger
ross
david
jonathan winters

Grain alcohol

2009-05-26T21:40:00.001-07:00

Crap furniture

2009-05-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. I've got a shit ton of crap furniture. It's not with me anymore, it's currently residing in the landfills and oceans of the world. But there's a new ottoman that's on the way.

Wicker is cheap. Except that really good wicker. It feels like leather. It's called "leather".

I had a wicker chair that became a black hole of twisted geometry. Absolute crap and we all know it.

Now, the question remains. To lacquer or not to lacquer. Me, I prefer to personally hand lacquer all my wicker. That way, I'll be dead in 4 years.

Tell me this, who leaves an end table at the intersection of a busy street? And it was a real nice end table. Only had one or two pee markings on it. It was perfect.

Have you considered a slip cover? That might be a nice idea. It turns even the most fucked up cat mess couch into a sophisticated offering. No, actually it looks like someone gave you a gift certificate to Pottery Barn. Obnoxious pricks.

There is a silver lining. All wicker gets water stains. Imagine that. "Hey Mom, Hey Dad, meet Susan. She's going to be my wife. She's the one sitting on the barstool that looks like it fell over into some grease. She graduated from Dartmouth."

Give me some damn oak, forty nails, a soft pillow, and let my ass be. As a professional courtesy, from one barista to another.

Panhandle (for Tiger Jackson)

2009-05-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

Wicker (for Brother Salsa)

2009-05-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

Necking

2009-05-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

Vampires are everywhere these days: Buffy, Twilight, and HBO's "True Blood" series to name a few. And for this reason, everyone is focusing on the neck. Yes, the neck is a nice place to bite, if you actually want to feed on someone's blood. But if you're not a vampire, it's probably a good idea to go lightly around the neck.

If you want to bite someone hard, you should probably do it somewhere safer, like say....the upper arms?

Because the neck has a lot of tendons and stuff in it, to be used for nodding, shaking your head "no", and just general looking around. Have you ever tried crossing the street without your neck? It's just plain silly, is all.

And finally, we come to neck rubs. This has got to be one of the nicest things ever. I often get Wendy to rub my neck for a second, then plead with her not to stop. I will say the nicest things imaginable. Really nice things.

Necks

2009-05-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

Smart Machine

2009-05-13T18:42:00.001-07:00

I like a smart machine. Like the coffee machine that makes the brews.

I like a smart machine. Like the coin dispenser at the grocery store that gives you the change. But most times the cashier still has to give you the bills. So it's not that smart. And sometimes I forget to grab the coins. But that's me being not smart.

I like a smart machine. Air bags. ABS brakes. And the seat belt that won't let up when you're braking. But sometimes that bugs me when I'm at a stop light and I'm trying to reach for my binaca spray. My breath sometimes smells like goats.

I like a smart machine. The timed traffic lights, the heat activated door, and the gumball machine that goes round and round and round and round and round in a circle.

But they'll never improve on the wind chime. No battery required. And it still works. If you put one on your door, you'll know I'm coming. Coming to beat your ass with a broken VCR.

Artificial Intelligence

2009-05-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

Endless Summer

2009-05-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

As I've said many times, surfing is hard. You need a strong upper body and good fitness. I never quite got the hang of it. I saw fat, older dudes doing it (a category I now fall into myself), but I guess they knew a secret or two.

My point is, there are plenty of other great things to do at the beach that don't require such perilous and shameful embarrassment. Why not skimboard? Totally respectable and cool. Or just get some fins and bodysurf. If you just want to be macho beach guy with only limited movement required, do the LJ womp thing (or just stand in ankle-deep water and fake it).

But there's no escaping the fact that surfing is the truer form. More elegant. Other examples: chess vs. all other games, light sabres vs. blasters, ballet vs. modern dance, oil vs. watercolor, english saddle vs. western and so on...

But you know what these all have in common: snobbery! So I say forget surfing, and just kick back work on your tan, bro!!!

Happy Friday!!

Surfing

2009-05-08T11:22:00.001-07:00

Bling Free For Now

2009-05-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

It's not easy to say goodbye to a trend. Letterman jackets and hot rods and sideburns all had their place and time, and nobody can ever say that a trip to the malt shop and a jitterbug contest afterward wasn't the beginning to a kick-ass weekend. I saw Back to the Future, and that shit went off. Especially the part where Marty played a sick guitar solo.

By the time I was in high-school, class rings were already a weird anomaly. The bookstore at school pimped them like they were still a requirement to graduate, but personally, I wasn't buying. I also wasn't buying that bullshit Who's Who Among American High School Students leather bound commemorative edition with a matching coffee mug. I wasn't even listed! Still, some people bought the rings and books and the shot glasses and the school song sheet music, and that's cool for them. They probably wore their rings and got mad respect, just like Richie Cunningham and Jay-Z. And I did buy a college sweat shirt once, so I'm not completely blameless.

I have a feeling, though, that when my kids are in high school, class rings might be cool again. I'm old enough to know that shit I've written off as completely ridiculous comes back around and people fall in love with it all over again. Donald Trump, I'm looking at you. And if DT can rebound, I might be writing Jostens a check for a two-tone Sheer Ice after all.

Class Rings

2009-05-06T00:28:00.000-07:00

Reggie Candy

2009-05-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

The hats were loud, the pitchers popped greenies, the game was clean and we all loved Reggie. Mr. October. He was clutch at a time when we needed clutch. And he was Zen about it. He wasn't mean. He was just better than you. It's just the way it was.

He wasn't using Hydroxycut, or Anabol, or Joe Weiderman's Weigh Gainer 2000. He was eating great steak with excellent sides, getting laid, traveling the country, and actually delivering when it mattered. Yes, we need more like him.

We all love a winner. We all need a winner. And Reggie is ready to fill that role. He's not forcing it on us, it's just the way it's going to be. Because he's the guy who hits the home run in the world series. Personally, I'm glad it's Reggie who gets to be that guy. Because he's a gentleman. And a scholar. And his specs are water-tight.

Reggie

2009-04-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

Oort

2009-04-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

Jan Oort was a Dutch astronomer, and everybody seemed to like him. Heck, I like him.

Oort proposed that comets mostly hang out in a posh cloud way out at the edge of the solar system. This is called the Oort Cloud. Every so often, a comet will get pulled out of the cloud by gravity, and start zooming around the solar system on its own unique course, and that's when people with telescopes start to take notice of their awesome tails.

You're probably saying to yourself, "Yeah, good job Oort, but that's old news. What's this got to do with me? My husband just lost his job and I have 2.5 kids to feed".

Well, here's a recipe for what we call "A Day of Feeling Better". Do this and you will get stoked:

7am-8am: Take a walk. Even if it's a little chilly.
8am-9am: Drink coffee and lie on the couch. you can read a book, but do not internet!
10am-noon: watch an old movie you've always wanted to see
noon-1pm: call 3 people who don't live in your city
1pm-2pm: make a turkey/avocado sandwich on bagel or toast
2pm-3pm: call 3 people who live in your city while drinking more coffee. if they don't answer, leave fun messages.
3-5pm: watch nature or history documentaries.
5pm: read 2 movie reviews and sit on your stoop
6pm: write a paragraph of everything you saw today. email it to your pals.
7pm: eat middle eastern food for dinner, with red wine.
8pm: sex
9pm: take a bath
10pm: watch TV
11pm: go to bed

Oort

2009-04-23T21:51:00.001-07:00

Hoffbraus, Buffets, and Smorgs

2009-04-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

Here is your chance to eat too much.

First buffet I ever went to was in Hawaii. Kauii to be exact. There was a buffet in the restaurant that was so great, I forgot to look at the scenery. People asked me, how was Hawaii? And I said, one of the best buffets I've ever seen.

The next great buffet was in Illinois, outside Chicago. It was a place called Sharkey's and Ross ate about 40 waffles. I think he may have gained 10 pounds during the meal. We went there after Father Ed's sermon. Decent sermon.

Sometime in the last few years I've realized that more is not always better, and I don't need 10 pieces of bacon on my plate. I would rather have one piece of bacon that was cooked. Either by myself or someone else. Not massively heated in a giant oven.

Carving stations are also great. A big side of something. The best one I've ever been to was at the track. That guy knew meat. And don't tell me that a gyro is the same thing. Different thing. Completely different thing. I've seen that issue come to blows. People are passionate.

A genre of culinary artistry is the "mass produce". How well can you cook for 400? The answer may pay you $84,000 per year. It may also deign on you the handle "Cookie".

The hot bar is a pretty great place. You can order .40 pounds of herbed turkey, and a half pound of chicken tenders. Nobody says shit. He has a reason. He likes warmed poultry.

Smörgåsbord

2009-04-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

Pas De Deux

2009-04-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

So many of the great cartoons involve an on again/off again rivalry which is at times heated and violent, and at other times, amicable. Some examples:

Bugs and Daffy
Bugs and Elmer Fudd
Tweety and Sylvester
Tom and Jerry
Roadrunner and Coyote

and on and on and on.

I think people like seeing physical violence in cartoons, especially what would otherwise be considered domestic violence.

Ren and Stimpy is especially twisted because these two are presumably friends/roommates/lovers. And also because John Kricfalusi is a complete nutjob. And because you pretty much have to be hella 4:20'd to watch it.

Speaking of which, Happy Earth/Birth Day, bro!!!

Ren and Stimpy or Tom and Jerry

2009-04-20T12:46:00.001-07:00

Songwriters are special

2009-04-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

I can't play guitar.

Strictly from a poundage point of view, the Les Paul is a heavy one. There must be metal or rocks inside it. Or maybe sand. All I know is, it is a weighty sum bitch. That must be why all the dudes who use it end up on heroin or angel dust. Or greenies.

If I could play guitar, I think I'd probably play a strat. Because Ross and Gary told me that the Les Paul guitar is really only good for certain things. Like solos, leads, and banging off someone's face.

Ross never had a Les Paul. He had an SG. Like Angus. I think he regrets that, but I'm not sure because he won't open up about it. I'm just glad he didn't get the double-neck SG. Because then he would have had to be seen with it.

One time Ross got a pink strat, I think it was a Yamaha. That was cool.

Remember when you had to haggle at guitar center? Every fuckin thing?! It's enough to make you not want to be a musician. Bunch of fucking flakes, all.

Gibson Les Paul

2009-04-16T13:14:00.001-07:00

Rabbit's Foot

2009-04-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

When we were kids, all the mini-marts carried these. The appeal was two-fold: (1) Wow, soft; and (2) Wow, that's an actual foot. They came in crazy colors like pink and purple. They smelled a certain way. You could feel the little bones inside.

Nowadays you can't get that shit, and it's probably a good thing. I mean, sure, buy one if you need it for actual hoodoo magic, but not just for a novelty. Get a pen with a naked lady on it instead, or a Def Leppard coke mirror.

Good day!

Rabbit's Foot

2009-04-15T17:12:00.001-07:00

The Street

2009-04-15T17:05:00.001-07:00

I don't know New York. I know what I like about New York: bagels, pizza, late-night drinking, Danny Simon (when he's in town), Oliver's Bar, souvenirs, and afternoon drinking. It's a great town. But I don't know where shit is.

Did you know that Broadway is actually named Broad Way. Like Broad Street. That's why Broadway is so great. Because it's an actual thing.

Now, 5th Avenue. I think that's where the rich folks live. Or maybe that's where the shopping is. But I do know this. It's very cool. But not as cool as First Avenue.

5th Avenue

2009-04-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

Unwelcome Attractions

2009-04-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

If you're willing to spend money, you can pretty much embarrass anyone you want to. Just pay some struggling actor to put on a straw hat, ring a doorbell and sing a song. Or pay some "hunk" to show up at your sister-in-law's in a cop outfit, and then the son-of-a-gun takes his thingie out!

I don't like it, never have!

Good day.

Singing Telegrams

2009-04-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

Water Wager

2009-04-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Riverboat gambling, and riverboat casinos in general, came about because of the old adage, "You can't regulate what you can't catch." When the heat gets to be too much on land, take your party out to sea. Have a good old tyme. It's why 10 year olds can smoke and drink on cruise ships. Because there aren't any laws out there.

I love to gamble, but I hate to lose money. And riverboat casinos just seem inherently crooked. You have the trap door, the slide, the upside-downer, the poop, the silver squat, the Morgan (named after the late great Morgane LeCroix) and of course the simple pimple. And I'm not interested in any of it.

And what's with the oversized playing cards? Isn't it bad enough that I'm stuck on a casino that I can't get off of? Now you want me to hold cards that are bigger than the menus at a Denny's. Well fuck you too!

Here's what I want to do. Go to Vegas, bet the home teams, catch a show, sneak a snuggle and get my ass back to the only place I've ever felt at home. Can you help me out with that? And while you're at it, put together a nice bacon cheeseburger for me. A big fat patty with cheddar and applewood smoked. And put a rush on that, I'm supposed to be somewhere.

River Boat Gamblers

2009-04-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

The Paint is Peeling Off In A Sheet

2009-04-13T15:20:00.001-07:00

In 10th grade, our chemistry teacher resigned because he was allegedly having an affair with a student. Several days later, we met our new teacher, Dr. Sol. He had a European accent which may have been either French or German. On Day One he gave us his credentials: "My background is polymers. Zere are polymers in everything! When I worked in zee private sector, I went to work for a paint company that had a biig problem. Zee paint vas peeling off IN A SHEET!" he cried. We laughed.

Dr. Sol had cured the problem through the effective manipulation of the paint's polymers.

But this is not a happy story. He may have been a brilliant scientist (I suppose we'll never know), but he didn't know shit about teaching high school. He was one of the worst science teachers in all of Christendom.

I hate polymers.

Polymers

2009-04-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

Strangers talk only about the weather

2009-04-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

I have seen the 5 day forecast. And I prefer the 10 day. Because if you're going to be a prick weatherman and make shit up, might as well aim for the fences.

I do rely on the 10 day forecast. Because it's there. By its very existence it is relevant. It needs to be heeded. And it longs to be right.

2 phrases I could do without: Doppler Rader and Storm Watch.

Here's a thought. Why are traffic and weather reports always tied together. Sports and weather aren't tied together (unless it's the Superbowl and it's raining or something). Metro and weather don't go together. But traffic somehow is different. It's a brother to weather. Because it is affected by the weather. And they both involve helicopters and people named "The Skylord" and "Your Eye In the Sky". Prick wise-asses.

Five Day Forecast

2009-04-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

Sugar Magnolia

2009-04-09T12:21:00.001-07:00

My first Grateful Dead show was Easter Sunday 1987 at Irvine Meadows Amphitheater. I was 17. I believe I drove there with my best friend Greg Kennerson. At the show we met up with Gary Jules, Kurt A. and Steve Blank. The goings-on in the parking lot were astonishing. Actual hippies still existed? Rampant drug buying/selling??

The next time the Dead came around, I brought my 14 year old brother. How the hell did that happen? I guess my mom had seriously loosened the rules by this point. We enjoyed the show.

The next time, my Dad, my brother and our uncle came along. My dad bought about 10 tye-dyes to give to his staff at the office. We even put one on the dog. On the drive home, my dad told me that my girlfriend's father had called him and that I was forbidden to see her anymore.

So that happened...

The Grateful Dead

2009-04-08T15:18:00.001-07:00

Marvin Gillet or Parsley

2009-04-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

No one wants their wages garnisheed. You probably have to be a real fuck up to be in that position. And Fletch is such a person. And Arnold Q Pants Esq., otherwise known as Marvin Gillet, knows that. That's why he's hiding on the balcony.

Now let's talk garnish. Parsley isn't bad. Or a radish carved like a flower. Those are cool. But what is it really? It's waste. In this current "go green" world we're living in, we don't need to waste stuff, just so the plate looks pretty.

So garnishee wins out. Which is strange, because it took my paycheck.

Garnish or Garnishee

2009-04-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

Down in One

2009-04-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Round Table has always been a part of my life. In Little League, it was where you went with the team after the game. It was good for kids because the pizza was pretty standard and they had a few video games, pinball machines and the like.

Then, years later, in the waning days of the dot-com era, we would take Anne O'Neil to the Round Table on Van Ness to chug Bud Lights out of frosty mugs before taking her to the airport (or not taking her to the airport due to drunkenness). Around this time, we became enamored of the "personal pan pizza": saying it, eating it, whatever. Usually, we would order a deep-dish pepperoni personal pan pizza.

But that is not why we are here. Today we are discussing the act of eating a full-size Round Table pizza in one sitting. Something that probably no one should do. The fact is, that RT is so thin and so delicious that performing such an act is entirely possible, however ill advised it may be. But I suppose, if you are compelled to do so, after a particularly unpleasant weekend, be my guest. It's not gonna kill you.

Eating an entire Round Table Pizza in one sitting

2009-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

Blues

2009-04-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

If you ain't got em, you want em. If you got em, you're trying to get rid of em. If you ain't never heard of em, you may never miss em. That's the blues.

If you're trying to find em, you already have em. If you're running away from em, you never lose em. If you're hoping to avoid em, you'll always have em. That's the blues.

And then Ralph Macchio starred in "Crossroads" and went ahead and fucked it all up.

The Blues

2009-04-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

il Maestro di Biglietti

2009-04-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

At what cost, tickets? What is the true price of convenience? Do we really know where that $7.95 fee per ticket goes. We imagine that it must be pure profit for Ticketmaster, and that they are the most evil thing in the world. But they are a business, like anyone else, and they have enjoyed something resembling a monopoly for as long as I've been going to concerts. (1980? Kiss Dynasty Tour at San Diego Sports Arena.)

When I lived in SF, I used to drive to the Fillmore on Sunday mornings to get tickets without a surcharge. And here in NY, I do the same thing at Mercury Lounge if I can. But I usually don't.

I've reached a time in my life where I will occasionally just break down and bite the Ticketmaster bullet. They're providing a service I suppose, and they've put barriers in place to try and thwart ticket scalpers from getting every single ticket, but they still kind of suck. Ticketweb is doing it better and cheaper!

The point is, big shows usually suck anyway. The only way to win is to find something better to do with your time.

Ticketmaster

2009-04-02T15:35:00.001-07:00

London Underground

2009-04-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

London is one of my all time favorite towns. So many memories. Wembley. Wimbledon. Toussouds. Chip shops. Piccadilly. Pubs. Harrods. The English Breakfast. Tea. It's a great place to be.

And how better to get around London than Underground. It goes everywhere. It is reliable. It is fun. And all the time you have to mind the gap.

However, don't expect to understand it the first time around. It's a complicated system, but not as complicated as NYC subways. I should know because I can't find shit in NYC.

Welcome to this hamlet. Now buy yourself a paper and relax.

The Tube

2009-04-02T13:09:00.001-07:00

UltraViolet

2009-04-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

We use filters every day, whether we realize it or not. Sometimes, we decide something is bad for us and buy a product that claims to keep it away from us. Some of you may have a orb-shaped white thing attached to your kitchen faucet. Who knows if that does what it's supposed to do? (I half-expect Robin Williams to jump out of there!)

BluBlocker sunglasses were infomercialled as "blocking harmful UV rays". Whether they do or not is sort of beside the point. (Pretty much all glasses do by now.) The irony of BluBlockers is that you care more about your eyes than you do about your brain. Those of you who view the infomercial as fine art are truly warped geniuses.

Blue Blockers

2009-04-01T15:48:00.001-07:00

My Car Still Works

2009-04-01T15:40:00.001-07:00

I've had up to 7 warning lights on at one time (check engine, service, brake light, low on fuel, coolant, bbs brakes) and the car was still running fine. I'm really not sure what the problem was.

Warning lights exist so that dealerships can stay in business. Because when something's wrong with your car, there's a real easy way to tell. It won't drive anymore. And usually, no warning light be be seen.

One time I drove for 2 years with the check engine light on. It became sort of a friend to me. And then I sold the car to a guy for $3K. He had it looked at by his mechanic who said it was a mean machine. Take that!

The Check Engine Light

2009-03-30T18:27:00.001-07:00

Normalized Tempature Control

2009-03-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

Depending on the time of year, Coolant and Antifreeze are two sides of the same thing. Why? Because they keep your engine from over-heating, and they keep it from freezing. It's the same reason people live near the ocean, because it keeps the weather mild. It's all about balance, my friend.

And throughout history, people have sought balance in all facets of life.

Example 1:

Example 2:

And so it was written, the middle way is always best, for cars, for bears, for burgers, for just about everything. Unless it isn't! Don't forget Mr. Miagi's famous lesson: Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later [makes squish gesture] get squish just like grape.

Coolant

2009-03-30T17:07:00.001-07:00

Park Tanning

2009-03-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

People like to get out. People like to have fun. Humans will often socialize with other humans to establish physical and emotional contact. Often, said contact will result in, and from, SPF 2. Basically peanut oil.

A park is like a beach without the sand. So go ahead and get a tan. However, we will ask that you give us our space. Although it's public space, a 5 foot radius around my towel and/or blanket with picnic basket is not for you. So watch where you throw that frisbee and if that hacky sack gets anywhere near me, I'll shove it up your ass and call you Charlie. Unless you lend me that Phish bootleg. Because the Portland show is May 98 was really good. They jammed for 72 straight hours. And then Trey Whoeverthefuck did a great solo.

Assholes.

Sunbathing in public parks

2009-03-27T14:52:00.001-07:00

4/20/09

2009-03-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

This should be the most killer Earth Day so far, since people now claim to give a fuck.

Wendy and I are seriously trying to change our ways re: consumption of disposable crap.

New Yorkers generate so much waste it's disgusting. (It's all the take-out).

So yeah, green it up, you pricks, in case it's not too late already.

Obama 2012!!

Earth Day

2009-03-27T14:18:00.001-07:00

Desert Island Demystified

2009-03-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

The question always is: if you were trapped on a desert island, and could only have 5 (or 10, or 3) records, what would they be? Flawed question for several reasons.

One: no more desert islands. Some dude bought the last one about 3 years ago. Payed 1.7 billion for it. He grows mangos and cocaine on it. Smart play.

Two: you're on the island. You've got your records. Or cds. Or cassette tapes. What are you playing them on? Your dick? A bird beak like on the flinstones? You're screwed. Better learn to play that conch shell you found last night.

Three: where did the albums come from? A bird drop those off? A alligator drop those off? They fall from a tree? You're dreaming, Turtle Nuts.

It's absolute crap and the list is bullshit. That said, here are mine:

Zeppelin 2, Ziggy Stardust, Live and Direct, Kele Mou Bana, and that Smiths bootleg you stole from me. I want that back.

Desert Island Discs

2009-03-27T06:54:00.001-07:00

Session Guy

2009-03-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna say yes here. Studio drummers have been called a "necessary evil" and much much worse. When in fact, a lot of these guys have their passion projects too. It's not just about skills paying bills.

Now granted, some of these guys have the creativity of a tse-tse fly, and they must be shunned. But there's nothing wrong with a guy who comes in, understands what the song needs, can give you a few different options, and nail it on the first take. It's like in the movie biz, there are artists and there are craftsmen.

The studio drummers are the craftsmen.

Studio Drummers

2009-03-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

Manga

2009-03-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I thought anime was cool. Then I heard about Manga. And now I'm not so sure. It's a sub-genre within a category. It's hard to put your finger on it. But I think it involves boobs.

Last time I went to Blowfish sushi, they had some manga playing on a screen behind the bar. My 4 year old son had a clear view of it. There was a giant hot chick with diamonds that shot out of her breasteses. So when he grows up to be a jeweler, with a penchant for DDs, we will know why.

Manga

2009-03-25T14:11:00.001-07:00

Other peoples' families are weird

2009-03-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

My parents never took us camping, the way most people think of it. We owned no tents, Coleman stoves or kerosene lamps, and the only use I had for a sleeping bag was for going to a slumber party at a friend's house. My mom hated bugs, dirt, being cold, etc. In college, when my girlfriend suggested that we take a camping trip, I just stared at her. She and her family camped all the time, she said. Good old-fashioned "car camping," where all you do is cook, eat and do dishes. I was skeptical, but I went along with it, because it sounded pretty safe.

We had a nice trip. We swam in a lake which someone later told me was radioactive, but I guess we survived. A little adventure is a good thing, I suppose.

A couple years later I would go camping again with this girlfriend and her entire family in Yosemite Valley. She and I did not bring enough cold-weather gear. We deeply regretted this on the first night of the trip, and were promptly shuttled back into town to rent thermal sleeping bags and pads. I also remember melting the sole of one of my Timberland boots by putting them too close to the fire. The shit melted like that guy's face in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Damn!

Nowadays, if you want to camp, you should, but be WAY more conscientious about your garbage and waste and all that. Don't buy 10,000 little bottles of water and little packages of everything. Jesus, man! Think of the bloody environment for one second!

Some people do the whole "no footprint" style camping where you carry everything in with backpacks. This rules, if you're up to the task. I am not this hearty, and don't claim to be. I want showers. I LOVE taking scalding hot showers. I can live with cold showers for a couple days, or even a lake or river dunk. I am not a princess.

Honorable mention goes out to the annual Blue Moon Tubing trip on the American River. Every year, 40 or so revelers set off down a placid stream and nearly drown.

Camping

2009-03-25T12:32:00.001-07:00

Cheap Rolls

2009-03-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

We all know about rolls. They're great. They're fucking spectacular really. No nutritional value, no bullshit. Just a hot bun. But the worse they are, the better they are. Do you get it? Don't give me a fancy roll. I want a cheap roll.

A cheap roll is the kind of a roll that won't talk back. It won't have sesame seeds, or rosemary. It won't ask for butter, or aioli, or spread. It just waits. Waits for you to sop up something with it. Waits for you to pop it in the oven for 5 minutes, just to brown it.

Every Thanksgiving, someone brings the rolls. And if they're not cheap rolls, please forget them in your car. Behind the jack, and underneath the Armor-all wipes.

Dinner rolls

2009-03-25T09:08:00.001-07:00

Big Gulp and the American Way

2009-03-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

This is a tough one. Because you know there's something to love about the Big Gulp, but then again, it's sort of a perfect scapegoat for American gluttony, over-consumption, obesity, and all that other stuff. When the fact of the matter is, a lot of those people are getting Diet soda. I guess I really don't know where I stand yet. In the meanwhile, Let's look at this commercial from the 80's:

Remember when Taco Bell actually had some self respect? These days, everything's cheesy, gooey, grilled, stuffed, volcano, yadda.... Gross, I tell you. BUT, not as gross as 7-Eleven's food. It's all nasty, I tell you. I'll take a small cola Slurpee any day. Get off the soda, America!

The end.

p.s. Here's a fairly uninspired article saying everyone's to blame.

Big Gulp

2009-03-24T16:15:00.001-07:00

Flour Power

2009-03-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

What's so bad about flour? It's powdery, it's white, it's made out of wheat. It's fucking amazing. Everything I eat has flour in it. From my morning coffee to my late night snack of honey roasted peanuts and diet Hansens rootbeer.

So cake thinks it's too good for flour. Well let me tell you cake, you're not. You're on thin ice right now, cake. I'm seeing more and more cupcakes at birthday parties, cheesecake is enjoying a resurgence. And pie has been lobbying for a while now. And guess what you're not going to hear about. Flourless pie. You know what flourless pie would be? Crisco fruit cup.

Flourless Chocolate Cake

2009-03-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

Born to Boogie

2009-03-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

Boogie boarding is a great way for father and son to enjoy the power of the ocean without worrying about the stigma of failure which surfing so often delivers. Going fast on a wave is great! Shouldn't everyone enjoy it, not just the preposterously agile?

Surfing requires tremendous strength and endurance, which boogie boarding does not. Why not just be laid back, put on some webbed gloves, a rash guard, swim fins and hit the waves?

Side note to boogie boarders: Don't try to put one knee up on a boogie board and be cool. If you want to show off, it's time to give surfing a try.

Boogie Boards

2009-03-20T15:11:00.001-07:00

Clue on rye

2009-03-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Clue rocks. Yes, everything about Clue rocks. The little rope, the lead pipe, Colonel Mustard, the candlestick. Even the movie was tight.

The movie was extra tight. I loved that they made 3 endings and different theaters had different endings. I like the one where the butler did it best.

I love gimmick movies. 3-D, smell-o-vision, crowd participation. But why is Tim Curry always involved? That's a question that I need answered tonight. Before I have my clam chowder and oyster crackers.

Clue

2009-03-20T14:28:00.001-07:00